“Divorce can be an act of love.”
Yes, that might sound strange at first – even provocative – but we would like to challenge the general idea of divorce as a reason to hate your ex spouse, and as something that must be ugly, conflict filled and alienating. Divorce is sad. It can be frightening. It can cause emotional, physical, social, and financial stress. It can cause a lot of anger as well as grief. But it’s not a failure. It’s not a reflection of your worthiness of love. And it doesn’t have to be a declaration of war – all it takes is a shift in our perception and maybe we can even consider it an act of love.
For what is divorce but the radical honesty of admitting that “I am no longer capable of loving you the way you need to be loved. You are no longer capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. And as such, we are setting each other free to receive what we need, and giving what we can, with someone who is in alignment with us.”
In an ideal world, all marriages are happy and harmonic and last until death do us part. In reality though, there are many reasons why relationships end. Only you know what is right and not right for you. To stay in a relationship that is no longer working, whether it’s downright dysfunctional and toxic, or simply unhappy and unsatisfying, is self-betrayal. We end up holding each other hostage in a relationship that requires one or both parties to self-betray to keep the relationship afloat, which only sets us off in a downward spiral where nobody wins long-term.
Divorce can trigger a lot of fears, and paradoxically, those fears are often what keep us in the relationship, so then we find ourselves in a relationship built on fear instead of love. How is that right? How is that honoring ourselves, our partner, and the marriage? It’s not. So: divorce CAN be the ultimate gesture of love. Love for myself, and love for my partner; by accepting and respecting that there is an irreparable discrepancy between our individual needs, wants and the capability and willingness to satisfy that.
So what we’re saying is that if you have come to the decision that a divorce is necessary, it is possible to go through that process in a gentle, cordial way. You don’t have to lawyer up and fight over assets and children in court for months or even years. You can end the marriage but still maintain a respectful and caring relationship by choosing mediation to get you through this transition. In mediation, we assist the couple in working together to make decisions around the divorce. Traditional litigation is conflict oriented whereas mediation is solution oriented. You know your life – the court judge does not – and as such it makes much more sense that YOU decide what your divorce should look like. Not only is this process gentler and facilitates quicker healing and more successful co-parenting, it’s also more sustainable and significantly less expensive than litigation.